McCain Quits

Dateline: Harrisburg, PA Friday October 24 10:30 am
Event: McCain-Palin Joint Rally in front of state capital

First Speaker: Sarah Palin
Thanks to all of you for coming out today. We all know how important this election is. Oh, I see that NRA sign over there. Yes, no one is going to take away our hunting rights. You know, my favorite food is fresh moose stew. I also see those drilling signs. C'mon everybody, Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill! All we have to do is get that Alaska oil pumping and our problems ...

John McCain grabs the microphone from Governor Palin. He interrupts her and asks her to sit down.

Second Speaker: John McCain
I'm sorry to be so rude with Sarah but I can't go on anymore. You know I once was known as the straight shooter. A guy who would tell the truth no matter the consequences. This has always been my guiding principle. It helped me get through that prison experience, my failed first marriage, the Keating loan scandal, and so many other tough situations.
For the past ten days or so I have come to realize many truths. I no longer can look myself in the mirror. Perhaps there were those who pressured me and hijacked my campaign for this most noble of positions. But I can't blame anyone but myself. If I was to be the leader of this great nation then I know that the buck really does stop with me.
So here in Harrisburg in front of all you fine folks who have come out and given up your day of work I want to level with you. I have grown ashamed of this campaign. The lies that have been heaped upon my rival, Senator Obama. The racial innuendo that has crept into my media messages. The simplistic slogans that my running mate has been leading you into. The truth is, that the energy crisis is a lot deeper than the small amount of oil we can get from Alaska and offshore. It is not worth the effort to our beautiful environment and those creatures that inhabit it. None of this oil will eat the market for years to come and will not effect you for at least a decade.
It has been exciting going from town to town talking to so many Americans. But my friends, I am in my early seventies and I now know that I do not have that bounce and stamina that I once had. To think that if I can't give my all to you how unfair that would be. And as much as I have come to enjoy my running mate's positive can-do spirit, I also know that there is no way that she is ready to run this country. If something should happen to me, well, I think many of you get my point.
I will be forever branded and hated by many of my Republican friends for what I am going to say but I am urging all of you to vote for my Democratic opponents, Misters Obama and Biden. They have shown themselves to be fair campaigners and will be honest leaders. Our ticket has run out of any reasons to continue and I love this country too much not to support them and therefore I am going to withdraw from this protracted battle.
Obviously, my name will still be on all ballots. But I am going to direct my campaign leaders to pull all ads and stop all expenditures. I am no longer the man I once was but I want to know that I did the right thing...

Governor Palin takes the microphone.

Isn't this what we have been waiting for. Vote for McCain and I will take over for him and create an America...

Finally, McCain wrests the mic away from Palin.

Sarah, go back to Alaska and finish out your term. Go back to the wilderness and leave the leadership of our precious nation to those trained and ready to govern...

Cindy McCain starts to shake a seemingly disturbed John McCain who is evidently experiencing a bad dream.

My darling, what is bothering you so much? C'mon, get up. We have breakfast planned with Todd and Sarah and then we are on to that rally at the state capitol building.

John looks up at his wife and his sour demeanor gives way to a mischievous smile.

Don't worry honey. I'm okay today and boy, do I have a surprise for everyone.

(Mr. Straight Talk Express please heed the call and follow the dream and let our country move on to a glorious new phase where for the first time in many years we can be truly united as we tackle the tough problems befuddling America.)